Has she/he got over her/his ex? Does she/he (ab)use you to get over him/her?
Look for multiple, consistent signs (not one-off remarks). If someone shows many of the signs below, they’re likely still emotionally entangled — and that has consequences for any new relationship.
There are proven, practical ways to heal; this article ends with step-by-step, therapist-friendly solutions.
Quick roadmap
- What “not over an ex” means (clinical framing)
- 12 reliable signs (each explained, with science or real-world logic)
- Why people get stuck (causes mapped to evidence)
- Real costs — for the person, for a new partner, for relationships
- Science-backed steps to move on (no-nonsense, practical plan)
- When to get professional help and what to expect
1) What “not over an ex” means (a responsible, clinical frame)
Being “not over” someone is not just remembering them — it’s a pattern of emotional, cognitive, and behavioural processes that keep a person mentally, socially, and sometimes physically entangled with a former partner.
In psychology this looks like persistent attachment-related distress, repeated rumination, and behaviours that obstruct normal recovery (for example, repeatedly checking the ex on social media, pursuing contact, or constructing fantasies of reunion).
These patterns are common and understandable — but they’re also predictable and addressable. Research shows attachment style, coping strategy, and exposure to reminders (like social media) shape how long and how painfully people grieve a breakup. (Pubmed.com)
Twelve reliable signs someone hasn’t moved on (read these like symptoms, not accusations)
A single sign doesn’t prove anything. Look for clusters and persistence over time (weeks → months). Below each sign I explain why it matters and how to detect it.
1. Frequent, intense talk about the ex (nostalgia that dominates conversation)
What it looks like: They bring up the ex often, tell stories that focus on the old relationship, or compare you to the ex repeatedly.
Why it matters: Repetitive reminiscing is rumination — a cognitive loop where the past is replayed instead of processed. Rumination predicts longer emotional recovery after breakups. If the past occupies most of their conversational bandwidth, they’re still processing (or avoiding processing) the loss. PMC
2. Persistent emotional reactivity when the ex is mentioned
What it looks like: They get suddenly sad, angry, or withdrawn when the ex’s name comes up (even in neutral contexts).
Why it matters: Strong physiological and emotional reactions mean emotional memory is still active. Neuroscience shows romantic attachment activates brain reward and attachment systems; cues associated with the ex can trigger these circuits long after a breakup. PubMed+1
3. Ongoing contact with the ex (texts, calls, meetups, “just friends”)
What it looks like: Regular messages, secret meetups, or “we’re just friends” contact that feels like it’s really about keeping a connection alive.
Why it matters: Ongoing contact provides reinforcement and prevents closure. Studies of breakup recovery show ongoing exposure to an ex (especially without clear boundaries) prolongs attachment and grief. PMC
4. Social-media surveillance / digital stalking
What it looks like: Regularly checking the ex’s profiles, saving their photos, viewing stories obsessively, or repeatedly searching for updates.
Why it matters: Digital exposure acts like repeated reminders that re-activate emotional systems and hinder the natural fading of attachment. Research demonstrates that online surveillance of ex-partners is associated with slower emotional recovery and more distress. PMC
5. Frequent fantasies of reunion or “what if” thinking
What it looks like: They discuss future scenarios where they get back together, replay “what if” decisions, or make elaborate plans for a reunion.
Why it matters: Fantasizing can function as avoidance: it feels comforting while preventing the painful work of acceptance. Persistent fantasizing is a hallmark of unfinished grieving.
6. Rebound behaviours used to numb or prove worth
What it looks like: Jumping quickly into new hookups, flings, or dramatic relationship changes meant to distract, punish, or prove desirability rather than build intimacy.
Why it matters: Rebound relationships are common coping strategies. The research is mixed about whether rebounds are always harmful, but rebounds often reflect avoidance motives (distracting from pain) rather than genuine readiness. If rebound behaviour is motivated by avoidance, it’s a red flag for unresolved grief. (Psychologytoday)
7. Comparisons that always favour the ex (or idealize them)
What it looks like: The ex is always “better” in memory — flaws are minimized; positives magnified.
Why it matters: Memory bias after a breakup makes the past look rosier; idealization prevents accurate appraisal and blocks learning from the relationship’s real problems.
8. Avoidance of intimacy with new partners
What it looks like: They keep you at arm’s length emotionally, resist commitment language, or sabotage closeness.
Why it matters: Protecting oneself from possible repeat pain is normal, but if it prevents new relationships from forming, it’s unresolved attachment.
9. Strong identity link to the ex (their life still centres on that relationship)
What it looks like: They still describe themselves through the ex (“we used to…”, “our plans were…”) and have not rebuilt independent routines.
Why it matters: Loss of relationship identity is part of grief. Rebuilding personal identity is necessary to move on; delay in this process predicts prolonged distress.
10. Recurrent attempts to “win back” approval (gifts, apologies, dramatic gestures)
What it looks like: They repeatedly try to reconcile (or orchestrate reconciliation) when contact is possible.
Why it matters: Attempts at reconciliation that keep failing create a yo-yo dynamic that keeps emotional arousal active.
11. Envy or bitterness when the ex moves on
What it looks like: Intense upset, anger, or depressive symptoms when the ex dates someone else or shows happiness.
Why it matters: Envy and bitterness are emotional evidence the person still measures their wellbeing relative to the ex — an indicator of incomplete separation.
12. Trouble sleeping, concentrating, or functioning for an extended period
What it looks like: Ongoing sleep disruption, intrusive thoughts, reduced work focus lasting months.
Why it matters: Chronic breakup distress affects sleep and cognition and is a signal someone needs active healing strategies or professional support. Attachment-related distress can impair concentration and daily functioning. (Pubmed)
3) Why people get stuck: causes explained (science + real life)
Not moving on is rarely a character flaw. It’s usually a combination of psychological wiring, life context, and coping behaviors:
Attachment style and breakup distress
People with attachment anxiety (fear of abandonment, hypervigilance about relationships) experience longer, more intense post-breakup distress. They ruminate more and use maladaptive coping (seeking reassurance, checking the ex), which prolongs suffering. By contrast, those with secure attachment typically recover faster. PMC
Brain biology and reward systems
Romantic love activates reward-related brain regions (dopamine pathways) similarly to other strong attachments; those brain circuits can stay sensitive after a breakup and respond to cues (photos, messages), producing craving-like reactions. This explains why breakups can feel like withdrawal. PubMed+1
Social media and endless reminders
Digital access makes it easy to re-encounter an ex’s life. Research shows that seeing an ex’s posts, photos, or new relationships on social media prolongs grief and complicates recovery because it repeatedly re-triggers attachment networks. PMC+1
Unresolved conflicts and lack of closure
If a relationship ended without clear explanations, mutual understanding, or the opportunity to process what happened, people often remain stuck trying to find answers, replay mistakes, or hope for repair.
Identity fusion and life disruption
When a person’s plans, daily routines, or self-definition were deeply entwined with the ex (shared home, mutual friends, joint projects), the loss disrupts identity. Grief then includes rebuilding a sense of self — a process that takes time and active work.
4) The real costs of staying stuck
For the person who’s stuck
- Chronic stress, anxiety, sleep problems, reduced work performance.
- Greater risk of depressive symptoms and unhealthy coping (substance misuse, risky sex).
- Recurrent emotional pain and sense of stagnation.
For a new partner (or would-be partner)
- Emotional ambivalence (they may be “present” physically but emotionally absent).
- Repeated comparisons and insecurity.
- Potential to be used as a “rebound” or buffer — leading to hurt for both parties.
For relationships generally
- Unstable starts, poor trust building, and difficulty forming secure attachment patterns moving forward.
5) Science-backed steps to actually move on (practical, staged, and tested approaches)
Below is a stepwise plan that combines evidence-based therapeutic techniques, behavioral science, and real-world practicality. It’s what therapists often recommend in individual or couples work.
Phase A — Immediate stabilization (0–2 weeks)
- Set boundaries about contact — aim for a true “no contact” period if possible. Ongoing casual contact is one of the strongest predictors of prolonged attachment after a breakup. Reducing exposure allows emotional arousal to calm. PMC
- Limit social media access — mute, unfollow, or temporarily block for at least 30 days. Unfiltered exposure encourages rumination. Research shows social-media surveillance predicts slower recovery. PMC
- Stabilize sleep and routine — prioritize consistent sleep, light exercise, and regular meals. Behavioral activation reduces depressive symptoms and improves mood.
Phase B — Active emotional processing (2–12 weeks)
- Journal with structure — keep a “processing journal”: describe what happened, list both positive and negative truths about the relationship, and answer 3 questions: (a) what did I learn, (b) what would I do differently, (c) how do I want my next relationship to be? Writing aids closure.
- Cognitive reframe — gently challenge idealizing thoughts. Use evidence (memories of conflict, mismatch in values) to rebuild a realistic memory rather than an edited, romanticized one.
- Therapeutic exposure — imagine telling the story of the breakup in full, out loud, for 15–20 minutes (a technique derived from exposure therapy). This reduces the fear and the emotional charge. It’s best done with professional guidance if the distress is severe.
Phase C — Rebuilding identity & social life (3 months +)
- Reinvest in non-romantic goals — hobbies, friendships, skill-building. Identity shifts are crucial for long-term recovery.
- Controlled dating (if desired) — only when patterns of intrusive rumination have dropped and you can reflect rather than just react. Rebound sex or quick attachment often signals avoidance; ensure motives are healthy. Evidence on rebounds is mixed — some rebounds are benign, but avoidance-driven rebounds are risky. Psychology Today
- Practice secure attachment behaviours — small acts of responsiveness, clarity in communication, and steady intimacy with friends/family rebuild trust in relationships.
Tools & techniques therapists use
- CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) to restructure thinking.
- ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) to accept emotional pain while committing to value-driven action.
- Grief work (meaning-making, narrative rebuilding).
- Emotion regulation skills (DBT-derived skills: distress tolerance, mindfulness).
If someone is in a new relationship while still stuck, suggest transparent conversation: explain your pace and boundaries. If they refuse to do the internal work — or continue behaviours that keep the ex present — the new relationship is vulnerable and likely to cause harm to both parties.
6) How to support someone who’s not over their ex (if you’re the partner)
If you’re dating someone you suspect isn’t over their ex, be clear and compassionate — but protect your own needs.
Do:
- Ask for clarity: “Are you sure you’re ready to date?”
- Request boundaries: limit contact or define the kind of contact that’s allowed.
- Encourage concrete healing steps (therapy, no contact, social life).
Don’t:
- Compete with the ex or demand you’ll “fix” them — healing isn’t your job.
- Accept repeated ex-contact as normal if it continually harms your relationship.
- Use guilt or ultimatums without offering support for change.
If they’re unwilling to set boundaries or keep repeating hurtful patterns, the healthiest choice may be to step away. Research and clinical practice both show that people change when they choose to do the internal work — not because their partner tolerates indefinite ambiguity. Psychology Today
7) When to seek professional help — red flags
Seek therapy (individual or couples) if any of the following appear:
- Breakup distress lasts many months and impairs daily functioning (work, sleep, appetite).
- Persistent suicidal thoughts or self-harm ideation.
- Substance misuse to cope with the ex.
- The person insists on ongoing secretive contact despite repeated promises to stop.
- Repeated relationship cycles with short rebounds and ongoing distress.
Treatment options include CBT, grief counseling, trauma-informed therapy (if the breakup involved abuse), and couple therapy if both partners are committed to honest work.
8) Honest timelines (what to expect)
People differ widely. Some recover in weeks; others take months or even years. Emerging research suggests many people’s attachment intensity declines gradually but not instantly — for some, meaningful decline may take months to years, and recovery often proceeds in waves rather than a straight line. The key predictors of faster healing are: secure attachment tendencies, active processing (rather than avoidance), reduced exposure to reminders, and social support. PMC+1
9) Final, practical checklist you can give someone today
If you think you’re not over an ex, try this 30-day reset:
- No contact for 30 days (no messages, no checking).
- Mute/unfollow/block on social media for 30 days.
- Do one meaningful thing per week that rebuilds identity (join a class, visit a friend).
- Write three realities about the relationship each week (one positive, two difficult facts).
- Sleep 7–8 hours and do light exercise 3×/week.
- If intrusive thoughts dominate >3 days/week or functioning drops, book a therapist.
Resources & further reading
- Neural correlates of romantic love and attachment — Acevedo et al., 2012 (fMRI work detailing persistent brain activation in long-term romantic love). PubMed
- Social media and post-breakup surveillance — Marshall et al., 2012 (shows social media exposure to exes obstructs healing). PMC
- Attachment and breakup distress — Gehl et al., 2023 (attachment anxiety predicts longer, more intense breakup distress). PMC
- Rebound relationships and coping after breakups — review and reporting in Psychology Today (synthesizes evidence that rebounds aren’t uniformly bad, but motivations matter). Psychology Today
- Breakups on social media and “apart behaviours” — Zhang et al., 2020 (examines how people use technologic affordances to disconnect, and pitfalls when they don’t). guof.people.clemson.edu
Closing note (responsible and compassionate)
Not “being over” an ex is painful, messy, and often shame-inducing — but it’s also human. The brain evolved to form durable attachments.
The good news: that same brain can be retrained through intentional behavior, honest processing, and social support. If you’re the one stuck, small consistent steps (limit reminders, process the loss, re-invest in self) add up.
If you’re the partner, insist on boundaries and self-respect while offering compassionate encouragement toward real healing.
Until next time,
Stay safe,
Tasos
Tasos Moulios is the founder of Beardlong. He loves trying different beard and hair styles and blogs about them. The tips he shares come from his own experience and love for what he does.